I’m not sure how it happened, but I’m finding myself at the bottom of a ditch, looking up, trying to figure out a) how I got here and b) how the hell to get out.
I’m exhausted with doing nothing.
I cry a lot.
I’m not myself.
I’ve been blaming it all on Mount Isa, but so much is contributing to this slump I’m in. When I speak to my friends, I whinge a bit (okay, a lot) but can turn it around and have a lovely chat and feel great afterwards. I know I’m an extrovert, but I sometimes forget what that actually means. I was reminded when I read this blog post today. Yes, I like to be the life of the party, but more importantly, I get my energy from other people. And when I don’t have close friends or family who I get to see every day, my energy levels are not being topped up.
And Hubs. Poor poor Hubs. I don’t think he knows quite what to do with me at the moment. I’m sure he wishes I could suck it up and get on with things, but I also know he understands the importance of feeling your feelings and working through them. I’ve been expecting things to change; hoping things change as I’m here longer, but they are not changing for the better. I’m sinking deeper in apathy and self pity.
And the problem is, when social opportunities do come up, I’ve started wondering if I could even be bothered. That is not like me. I told Hubs the other day that I am so much more productive around the house when he is home. Even if he is sitting on the couch playing computer games, just having him around energises me. Having anyone (adult that is) around helps. So having my mother in law around last week saw me happier than I’d been in weeks.
But as soon as she left, there was the emptiness again. And because I hadn’t recognised the extrovert-needing-energy connection, I have been a cranky pants whenever Hubs comes home, and taking my mood out on him. As if it’s his fault somehow.
So how do I get out of this? Well a month-long trip to Brisbane sure will help. I’m seeing this month away from here as a bit of a retreat. To recharge and hopefully find a bit of myself again. I miss old Wifey. I want her back. This new cranky, tired, yelling, impatient, self-pitying Wifey does not belong here. Not long-term anyway.
I feel like this realisation might be a bit of a turning point. Okay. I hope it is. Because I’m getting sick of the whingeing and picking fights with Hubs because I’m bored. I wish Hubs could stay the month as well, but the reason I’m staying so long is because he is working for 18 out of 21 days after he gets back, so he suggested I just stay down. (We are both going down for a wedding for the first week.)
I really can’t wait to get down there and unwind, then recharge. I’ll be doing a lot of walking along the waterfront, going out for coffee, and getting my fix. Join me sometime?
Thanks so much for your concern. I do appreciate it. I have wondered from time to time if it is depression, as I have experienced that in the past (a very long time ago.) The thing is, I don’t have that underlying hopelessness and despair that I felt all those years ago. I do feel that it is circumstantial and that if I can work through these feelings, I can come out the other side. I have gotten help through counselling which has helped a lot, and spending time with friends and talking about it with Hubs seems to help. I will keep a close eye on the “warning signs” though, and it’s always good to reassess every now and then to make sure things aren’t getting so bad that I can’t turn it around.
Have you considered that you could be suffering from a mild depression? You are describing a lot of the classic symptoms. I hope things turn around for you soon but don’t be afraid to admit if you need help.