It’s like I’m constantly getting blind-sided. I was telling a friend the other day that I can’t deviate from a plan, once I establish one. It’s not that I’m narrow minded, it’s that it’s already taken so much mental energy that I don’t have, to come up with the plan, that I don’t consider other ways of doing things, so I put my blinkers on and assume all will be fine.
This is where you can come in! If you see me doing something the hard way, or you think there might be a different/easier way of doing it, please don’t be scared to say something. I know you’ll be kind. I know sometimes people are scared to suggest changes, so as to protect me, but I really am open to it. I just sometimes don’t realise it until someone speaks up. I may not take your advice or suggestion, but I will appreciate it.
So yesterday afternoon and evening I was in the Prince Charles ED with Julius, who has a post-viral cough and an associated wheeze. I’m so annoyed that any time I have a medical “partial-emergency” (like this time and this time) I have a mild panic attack and nearly lose the plot. And then I push those feelings down nice and far, because that’s the healthy way to deal with emotions, right?? RIGHT????
The inner dialogue that goes on inside my brain is phenominal! “What would Frith do in this situation? What would he say? Will there be any doctors in ED that will recognise my name, and know who Frith is? How long until I’m asked if I have a husband/partner/father of the children? How could I let this happen?? I should know better by now!”
It just goes on and on until it breaks me a little, I have a little cry, the paramedic/nurse/doctor assumes it’s to do with the injury/illness I’m presenting with, and gives me a pat on the back and a tissue, all the while I’m inside screaming “don’t you know that my husband was a doctor and he died last year and I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this on my own for the rest of my life???”
Sooooo yeah therapy is a journey, and I may or may not be going through the stages of grief all over again. Hard to say where I’m at, at this stage, but it could be Anger. I’ll keep you posted, as always 🙂