There should be six

I had a moment the other morning, where I was caught out. I was filling up everyone’s water bottles for the day. School for Chance and Quinn, kindy day for Darby and Julius, and I was going on a walk with my dear friend for the morning (thanks K). I thought to myself “there should be six water bottles” since I was getting one for all of us.

But there were only five.

It took me probably 10 seconds of absent-mindedness to realise why there weren’t six. I think I rolled my eyes and kicked myself and was brought back to my reality.

And it just happened momentarily once again, as I was skimming through the Woollies catalogue. I saw that Heinz Meat in a Can was half price and thought “I should grab a few”.

I would never eat meat from a can, but somehow Frith thought it was okay. Well, it was more the convenience of having a whole meal that he could take to work and leave there, and it would still be okay two months later. Not like the leftovers I would send to work with him that would stay in his bag all day, that he would remember about at 3pm, and would eat after microwaving the crap out of it (and melting my Tupperware in the process several times) and declare it was “still good!”

I always thought it was funny that he had an iron gut for some things, for example reheating leftover KFC chicken after it had been sitting in the fridge for a week, then promptly forgetting about it, discovering it in the microwave the next day, and reheating it once more. And eating it. And living to tell the tale. (Actually, that was one of the stories his best man told at our wedding. Classic stuff.) Yet when he started eating hot and spicy KFC a few years ago, he would suffer the next day. Every time. Yet he persisted.

I feel like I’m a year behind in my grief. Does that make sense? I feel like, the way I’m feeling and behaving now, is how everyone expected me to feel and behave a year ago. But this time last year, I was a machine. No one could believe how well I was “coping”. I was filling out forms like a mad-woman; I was exercising pretty much every day; I was there for the kids emotionally and physically; I was just go go go and in survival mode; I knew Frith wasn’t around, and I didn’t expect him to be, because nothing in my physical environment reminded me that he should be here. (The kids are my emotional environment FYI.)

But now, getting up every day is hard; exercising is a chore and always comes last in my to-do list; I’m still filling out forms, but with lest gusto; I’m finding the kids’ demands so… demanding!

I’m having moments of forgetting that Frith isn’t here anymore.

More than anything, I’m finding this all very interesting, and not as upsetting as the story sounds. I’m unpacking so much of this with my new psych, and I feel like I’m actually moving forward, slowly, with my journey, instead of being stuck.

I’ve been stuck, so stuck, for months. Unable to see anything in my future that could possibly bring me joy. Perhaps this is the ominous cloud lifting. Perhaps nothing will change for a few more months. Undoubtedly, it will be hard to get out of bed for a while longer, since I’m not a morning person 🙂

That’s enough for this rainy Friday night. Thanks for reading. Thanks for being here.

It helps.

10 things on the 10th

Random edition. I know there have a been a few random editions, and I guess it’s because that’s how my life is rolling at this time 🤪

1. I got ripped off on fb marketplace while trying to buy cool Bento-style lunch boxes for my kids. They took the money and ceased contact with me. Never happened before. What is wrong with people??

2. We had an awesome time at Wynnum today with the kids. They loved it!! And it was great catching up with a friend while we were out there.

3. Renovations are still going! Have had the floors sanded and polished and they look incredible. Looking at more like April at the earliest to move in.

4. I had been pretty low these last couple of months, and the last few weeks in particular. Thursday began with me almost not being able to drag my sad sorry self out of bed. Mum and dad obviously noticed and helped out even more. And then mum said to me, as I was crankily making a jam sandwich for Quinn that I knew she would barely touch, “maybe it’s time to put some music on?” And it helped. Gee it helped. Thanks Mum ❤️ I think I turned a tiny corner right then and there.

5. I’ve started seeing a new psychologist and I like her.

6. Chance is doing great after his surgery and I’d say is almost 100% better.

7. Watching My Kitchen Rules actually gave me anxiety the other evening, as the contestants were being so awful to each other!! I know it’s all heavily produced but it honestly made me ill.

8. I got to spend International Women’s Day with my uni girls. We met in our first year of uni, 20 years ago this month. It was the absolute best way to honour such an important day 😍

9. I got to go out with a gorgeous bunch of ladies last night for dinner. So good!!

10. I’ve just discovered a new show on Netflix called After Life. It’s all Ricky Gervais and it’s crass and inappropriate and just what I need right now. 😜

Blah

Holy moly I am wiped out. I can’t give you one particular reason as to why I feel absolutely shattered. Of course I can give you about 23 reasons, but today has been a particularly flat day. I have zero energy and have zero f*cks left to give.

Chance had a circumcision yesterday. He had a medical condition that necessitated it, and so we are on the road to recovery. We’ve had a lot of down time today, watching movies and eating junk food. Oh wait, that was the kids. I moped around and made them food for most of the day.

My neck is sore, I am getting more and more wrinkles from frowning every day, my body is letting me down, and I’m letting my body down just as much.

Some days are certainly better than others, and some days are the absolute bloody worst.

I’m tired but I don’t want to sleep.

I’m sad but I don’t want to be cheered up.

I’m exhausted but I don’t want to be told to exercise.

I’m lonely but I don’t want company.

I feel somewhat manic but I don’t want to be sedated.

I’m irritated but I can’t be reasoned with.

I’m angry but I can’t be talked down.

I know drinking wine doesn’t help, but I don’t want to be cut off.

I feel depressed but I don’t want to be (more) medicated.

I’m on the precipice but I don’t want to jump.

I’m fed up but I don’t want to give up.

I’m trying to give myself a break and cut myself some slack and not complain and bang on too much about nothingness, but I also just want to throw my hands in the air and yell “enough!”

Maybe I’m finally about to hit absolute rock-bottom. I feel it’s about time, as I would love to be on my way back up.

But where to find the energy…

Then and Now

Mia and Darby in April 2015. Darby is about 4 months old and Mia is about 2 days old!!

And this was Mia and Darby yesterday 🙂

I know I keep banging on about it, but I love having friends in our life who have kids around the same age as our kids, and that they are growing up together and creating these memories together. It’s so special and it will be such a big support for the kids and I in the years to come.

And since then, the family have welcomed another baby into their family, which makes four for them and four for us! Now to try and get a photo of the eight of them together…. 🙂

I can’t think!

It’s like I’m constantly getting blind-sided. I was telling a friend the other day that I can’t deviate from a plan, once I establish one. It’s not that I’m narrow minded, it’s that it’s already taken so much mental energy that I don’t have, to come up with the plan, that I don’t consider other ways of doing things, so I put my blinkers on and assume all will be fine.

This is where you can come in! If you see me doing something the hard way, or you think there might be a different/easier way of doing it, please don’t be scared to say something. I know you’ll be kind. I know sometimes people are scared to suggest changes, so as to protect me, but I really am open to it. I just sometimes don’t realise it until someone speaks up. I may not take your advice or suggestion, but I will appreciate it.

So yesterday afternoon and evening I was in the Prince Charles ED with Julius, who has a post-viral cough and an associated wheeze. I’m so annoyed that any time I have a medical “partial-emergency” (like this time and this time) I have a mild panic attack and nearly lose the plot. And then I push those feelings down nice and far, because that’s the healthy way to deal with emotions, right?? RIGHT????

The inner dialogue that goes on inside my brain is phenominal! “What would Frith do in this situation? What would he say? Will there be any doctors in ED that will recognise my name, and know who Frith is? How long until I’m asked if I have a husband/partner/father of the children? How could I let this happen?? I should know better by now!”

It just goes on and on until it breaks me a little, I have a little cry, the paramedic/nurse/doctor assumes it’s to do with the injury/illness I’m presenting with, and gives me a pat on the back and a tissue, all the while I’m inside screaming “don’t you know that my husband was a doctor and he died last year and I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this on my own for the rest of my life???”

Sooooo yeah therapy is a journey, and I may or may not be going through the stages of grief all over again. Hard to say where I’m at, at this stage, but it could be Anger. I’ll keep you posted, as always 🙂 

10 things on the 10th in 10

10 things I want to do in the next 10 years

1.  Learn to love my body at any shape or size

2.  Build a chicken coop in my new back yard and have chickens

3.  Grow fruit and veges and herbs, and establish a good compost system

4.  Travel to New Zealand with the kids for an adventure holiday

5.  Be fit and strong again

6.  Take the kids to the snow

7.  Travel to the US on my own

8.  Start a new and fulfilling career

9.  Be involved in a church community

10.  Be financially stable and savvy