1. I’m in full Christmas card making mode and it’s delightful! Instead of drinking wine and watching old 90s movies, I’ve been drinking tea and listening to podcasts as I craft away. Last night was the best – Dax Shepard interviewing Zach Braff. Could I be crushing any harder??? I think not 🙂
2. Julius got a very big boy hair cut. We are all still getting used to it. Not to mention the big boy confidence (read: attitude) that has come with it!!
3. My three boys all around the same age, side-by-side 🙂
4. My photo wall is being added to and I’ve been hanging things all over the house! My house is really feeling like a home.
5. Darby has had some pre-prep mornings and is really really ready to get stuck into it!
6. I really try and buy things second hand as much as possible, but it just didn’t work out, so I bought these flat packs and spent my Friday night putting these bad boys together. I’m not going to lie, I was pretty damn proud of myself!
7. I’ve really been drinking a lot more tea in the evening, but sometimes if it doesn’t cut it, I’ll pop a bit of this in as well. It’s my absolute favourite and still to this day, reminds me of Nanny.
8. I’m learning to Embrace. Embrace everything about myself, right here, right now. I haven’t quite decided if it’s out of laziness/lack of time, but my greys are seriously coming through right now, and I’m not minding at all. My vanity will no doubt get the better of me sooner or later, but right now, I’m all “grey hair, don’t care.”
9. These two went Trick or Treating for the first time ever this year. We have enough lollies to last a year! So crazy! But they had fun with the neighbourhood kids so it’s hard not to get behind it.
10. Yesterday and the day before were good days. I felt as though I had returned a little bit. Not back to my old self, (that’s not my aim) but back to some semblance of normal. I was happy for no particular reason. I was productive and optimistic about the days ahead. For the first time in nearly two years, I had some hope. And gee it felt nice. I’m trying not to over-analyse it. Maybe it’s the new meds, maybe it’s just the new me. Either way, it was nice to just be me.
Last night I felt so sick I was in bed by 8:15pm and asleep by 9pm. I was exhausted and completely over everything. This morning the kids were actually amazing. They were helpful and kind to each other, but I was still utterly spent. We walked and scootered to school, and I dropped the boys off at kindy. As we got to school, Chance realised he had left his show and tell at home. I was irate. I had reminded him about it before we left, and yet he’d still forgotten it. I could feel the tears coming. After huffing and puffing about it being his responsibility, I told him angrily that I would go home and get it for him. Tears were escaping my eyes, but I hid behind my floppy hat and sunnies.
I prayed I wouldn’t run into any of my lovely school mum friends. (Sorry ladies 🙁 )
I went home, grabbed the bag and drove it up to school. When I dropped it off, I was kind and loving, as I would like the kids to be with me and each other. I told Chance I love him and that I would see him in a couple of days.
So I’m not doing great.
But it feels good to say so.
I’m working closely with my psychologist and my GP. I’m tired of feeling this way; this lack of hope and joy is kind of a buzz-kill. And as I’ve mentioned, it’s easy for me to hide, as I’m good when I’m with people. But not so good when I’m just with my kids. I get tired and frustrated and irritated and I wonder if I’m always going to feel this way; I wonder why I feel this way and what I can possibly do to turn things around.
It actually pisses me off greatly, being pissed off (seemingly) all the time.
Thank you to everyone I’ve been leaning on more so than usual.
I listened to the Armchair Expert episode with Brene Brown on the drive down to the Gold Coast today. Side note: I’m in love with Dax Shepard. Oh my heart! And my head! One of the heart and mind-blowing moments I had was about how to be a fully functioning member of a society, it’s not about being completely independent, it’s about being someone on whom others can depend.
I used to be that person. For better or worse, that used to be a huge part of my identity; of what defined me. I was dependable; I was available to help out; I was always looking for ways to be of service to others, and it filled my tank; it filled my heart; it make me feel useful and valued and loved.
That is a huge part of me that I feel like I’ve lost in the last two years.
I also lost the identity of being a wife.
To say that I’m having an identity crisis is putting it lightly. Yes I’m a mum. I feel like that is my only remaining identity. And that is really hard. I love being a mum. LOVE it. But I can’t just be a mum. I need to regain some sense of myself.
But I’ve also changed so much since Frith died. It’s not about feeling like my old self again; I have come to realise that will never happen. But if I can have snippets of my old self; moments; flashes of joy; that will be enough to sustain me while I get to know Renae 2.0.
Of course I will bring my history with me; probably even most of my baggage, but I’m hoping to offload bits of it here and there as I continue along.
Oh boy. What an unload. The people-pleaser in my wants to reassure you that I’m fine. I guess I’m not fine but I’m okay. And I’m going to get better. (I have to keep telling myself this.) And if I offer to do something for you, please let me! It will help me as much as I hope it will help you.
I’m off to a Hen’s night, then a wedding on Sunday. Big time tank-filling coming up. Much love xxxxx
Don’t judge. I’ve been busy. Also I generally don’t know what day of the week it is anyway…
Whilst in Melbourne (blog post to come. Also Orange trip blog post to come…) we headed down to Sorrento for a night to catch up with the splendid Aunty Alida and Uncle Wayne and family. I met these gorgeous rellies of Frith’s in Melbourne, back when we were only dating, and considering moving to Melbourne for Frith to study medicine. I knew I’d hit the family jackpot with them, and it made the decision to commit to the Melbourne move much easier for sure.
The family house at Sorrento was a place Frith and I frequented in our time in Melbourne, and this trip brought back so many memories.
I love how, in this post, I’m all “oh I’m so glad I’ve had this holiday from my exhausting life of zero children and a reception job with very little responsibility and my nights of 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep blah blah blah.” Ha ha. At the time I’m sure I thought I was tired and needed a break. So adorable…
I also love that our nephew Nathan was there with us back in 2009, and again in 2019. Back then, as a 14-year-old, Frith was giving him wheelbarrow rides and teaching him how to light the fire. It was fun to reminisce 🙂
It was so great to be surrounded by family, with the kids playing together and being looked after by our little crew. One of Frith’s cousins’ husbands was taking the kids on trailer rides on the back of their ride-on mower. Unbeknownst to me, Chance asked if he could have a go at driving the mower. Jez so kindly gave him the guidance he needed, and taught him about a wide turn to avoid colliding with the tree. It was such a small thing to do, and Jez probably didn’t think twice about it, but for me, what I saw was my son who no longer has his Dad around, having yet another wonderful male role model in his life.
It meant so much to us both, in such different ways and I’m so grateful for extended family playing their part in our lives.
Thanks guys. You are all kind and amazing and generous and loving and wonderful, and we will visit again soon. I promise xx
Well, it’s a random edition, but it just so happens to be World Mental Health Day today, which is timely really. You see, I’ve been struggling a lot lately, and I have most people fooled (unintentionally) that I’m doing quite well when I’m actually not. Come to think of it, and I’m just realising this as I type, the reason I can be so convincing, is that I’m at my best when I’m around people; others energise me, so it’s easy to “be okay” when I’m with other people. It’s the nights that are lonely and thought-provoking that can sink me. And it’s happened to me before.
My dear friend and Mental Health Awareness advocate, Kat, has been with me every step of the way, and includes my story as part of her public speaking engagements. She’s a bloody legend and is very open with her story.
Anyway, welcome to another random 10 on the 10th. Sorry I missed last month. I’ve been hiding in a non-writing hole.
1. Happy Birthday Uncle Felix! And happy birthday Erica for Sunday! You and your lovely family are such a blessing in our lives and we had the most wonderful time with you in Orange. (Also, happy birthday to my neighbour Shey for Friday and my Mum for Saturday!!! :-))
2. Chance and Quinn and I, along with my nephew and his girlfriend, are heading to Melbourne today for PAX. (There were too many links to include!!) We will be there until next Tuesday, and Chance is just beside himself with excitement about all the video games! Quinn has, as usual, got her poker face on, but I’m sure we will find some fun stuff to do. Darby and Julius are staying with Mum and Dad while we are away (yes, I have the absolute best parents) and I think five nights is the longest I’ve been away so wish us all luck!!!
3. A few months ago now, I de-registered as a Marriage Celebrant. After the two most incredible weddings last year – one where I got to marry Frith’s best mate to his long time love, and the other where I got to marry my best friend Beth to her wonderful partner, I knew I was done. I was asked to do a couple more ceremonies but I just couldn’t bring myself to say yes, so I knew it was time. It was a fun run, but it’s time to find something new.
4. I had an allergy test done the other day, which required me to stop taking my antihistamines for five days beforehand. FIVE DAYS GUYS!! IN SPRINGTIME!!! It was so brutal. I was getting tested for a potential seafood allergy, as I had a reaction a few months ago to something that blew my face and sinuses up!
I had the skin prick test done and luckily it came back all clear!!! Still doesn’t explain what I reacted to but I don’t care – I can eat prawns and crab, so that’s the main thing!
5. I joined The Bay Health Club (fancy name for “the gym”) and it’s the first lot of classes I’ve been doing that is even close to my beloved Fit Mums. I’m not expecting miracles, and I’m certainly not putting pressure on myself, but if I can make it three times a week, I’m super stoked. Bring on the guns!!
6. My absolute favourite thing to listen to on Spotify is the Ultimate Covers album. Even the kids know all the songs now. Winning!
7. I messaged my friend Kate the other day, saying that no matter what I do or plan for the kids, there’s always one who isn’t happy and how it was so frustrating. She came back with a different way of looking at things: “75% are happy. That’s a B+.” I’m happy with a B+.
8. My photo wall is coming along nicely. I have a whole lot of frames and a whole lot more photos to print, but yes, it’s coming along nicely.
9. I had some intentional self-care on Tuesday morning with Darby and Julius at my local coffee shop. And as a bonus, one of my school mum friends was there with her little boy so we had a nice little coffee break. The fact that Julius threw an epic tantrum on the way home and it took us 20 minutes to walk 150m, well, it’s all part of the fun, isn’t it? Lucky he’s so damn cute.
10. I visited my GP today, due to the aforementioned struggling, and it dawned on me that I really thought being on medication would be a much more temporary thing, and that once we decided what I should take, that would be it, and the dosage would be just so. I have been up and down on it since mid last year, and I’m still having to tinker. That’s the thing about the beast that is depression – there’s no fix-all solution; there are no easy answers, and having a good GP can literally make or break you.
Something I’ve been speaking to a new friend of mine about lately, is how we are both better at giving advice than taking advice, and we are particularly bad at following the advice we give others, even if it’s exactly relevant to us. I love being a person that people want to confide in; it makes me feel useful; so if you need to talk and you don’t know who to start with, send me a message. Or reach out to someone you trust. There’s always someone who has an idea of what your going through, and not feeling alone in your struggle is a big step.
Writing this blog post after almost two months of no posts, is an example of the band-aid ripping that’s been going on lately. I’ve taken some small steps and some huge leaps in my journey of moving forward over the last month or so. Some have been joyous, some have left me weeping. But all of them have been necessary and cathartic in some way.
Take today for example. This morning, I decided it was time to take the kids back to Hidden World Playground at Fitzgibbon. It was the last place the six of us were together as a family, before we dropped Frith off at the airport and he left for Rockhampton. Until today, I hadn’t been able to face taking the kids back, worried they might remember Frith being there with them; worried how I would feel.
There was nothing remarkable about that park visit. I didn’t even take any photos. If I had known it would be the last time we saw Frith, I would have taken thousands. We dropped him off at the airport around 3pm and he walked away.
Band-aids are kind of gross really. Necessary sometimes for sure, but one of two things can happen when applied; the wound underneath can start to heal and you can forget all about it and let it do it’s job. In this case you can go on with your life without any interruptions, and pick up where you left off.
Alternatively, the wound can fester underneath, unbeknownst to you, until you rip the band-aid off only to find an oozing mess of infection. In this case, it’s best to let it air out and not get it dirty any time soon. I’ve had a couple of messy rip-offs, but it’s important for me to realise that it’s good to know about the gaping wound underneath. Even though it’s hard to look at, and I now have more healing to do, it’s necessary in my journey.
I also find it strangely interesting. I was convinced that my high level of self awareness protected me from any shocks or unexpected emotions coming out of the blue, but boy was I wrong. It’s tempting to whack another band-aid on and ignore the issues; the energy to deal with the boil-over that has occurred is severely lacking; but in the interest of not going completely bat-shit crazy, I will continue to delve, and see what happens.
I’ve always had a thing for Keanu Reeves. In true 90s style, I had his posters plastered all over my bedroom walls, thinking one day maybe, just maybe, we would meet and he would fall instantly in love with me.
I moved on to other stars such as Matt Damon and Bradley Cooper more recently, though the posters haven’t made it to my bedroom walls… yet… 🙂 Keanu will always be my first celebrity crush though.
But the other night I had a dream that I married Liam Hemsworth. Right?? When I woke up in the morning, I lay in bed thinking “well he is Australian, which would make things a little easier.” It’s all about the logistics, clearly. “It’s a shame he’s already married.” (There’s an insight in to my morning brain you weren’t expecting!!)
A few hours later, I was scrolling through the news only to find that Liam and Miley had split up!! Coincidence??? I think not people!!!! So if anyone knows Liam, (hey, it’s a small world) feel free to give him my number, as it seems we were destined to be together!
Guys. Stuff’s been happening. Lots of stuff. Let’s do this.
1. Frith’s Nanna, who was 101 in April this year, passed away 2 weeks ago. What a life! Mum and I took the kids down the coast for the funeral last Friday and it was a lovely service. I think I went to my first funeral when I was 13, and it was for a grandfather I barely knew. My kids have been to three funerals in their short lives, two of which were for men in their 30s, one of which was for the most important man in their lives. I want them to know that that’s not normal. I want them to know that going to a funeral for an old person is. It was wonderful catching up with the Melbourne Foottits (Hi AA!!) as they never get to see my kids so it was lovely to hang out for a bit afterwards.
Nanna, you were an inspirational, strong woman. What a legend.
2. Julius got his first hair cut!! Before and After. Can you even???
3. These two boys crack me up one minute, and nearly break my spirit the next. They just don’t stop, and I really think they are going to be best mates when they get older. Julius wants to be just like his big bro, and Darby absolutely loves him back.
4. I have an awesome little study set up at home, complete with hand-made desk by a local Brighton chippie who was getting rid of a few things. I absolutely love that it’s one of a kind, like many things in my life.
5. My Sydney trip two weeks ago was EPIC. And extra. So much fun, so many good conversations, several bottles of champagne, insanely good weather…. The trip left a permanent mark on me and I will treasure those 36 hours for years to come.
6. Quinn started ballet!!! I swore I’d never do it, but she asked me and in a moment of weakness, I said yes. She absolutely loves it! Then (2015) and now.
7. We said farewell to Beth and Adam a few weeks ago, as they headed to Cananda for a year on a job-swap. Obviously I’m incredibly happy for them and super excited for their adventure, but they will be so very missed. Beth has been coming over every week since we moved to Brisbane, and the kids just adore her. I know they will be back before we know it, and I’m certainly not wishing the time away. In the mean time, we will get to know the family who are living in their house for the year!
8. Chance is still having sessions with a psychologist. The guy we see is really awesome and Chance loves chatting with him. I’m hoping he will be particularly helpful in the future, when Chance needs to nut a few things out with a trusted adult who isn’t necessarily family. This is Chance drinking an $8 thickshake from the cafe across the road before his appointment. First and last one I buy!!!
9. I’ve been having truly great conversations with people lately. In fact, last Sunday, I had three different conversations with three different people about three very different, but ultimately related things. All three conversations left me both drained and hopeful. I know I have some incredible people in my life, and some who have just come in to my life whom I’m getting to know and admire. There will be many great conversations to come, I’m sure.
10. My scooter bandits. This is what my mornings look like. Sometimes it takes 10 minutes to get to school, sometimes 25, but we always get there in the end.
It had been 18 months since I’d been to Rockhampton. I had planned to drive up with the kids mid last year for the school holidays, but realised about a month before I was due to go, that it wasn’t a great idea, and that even though I had said I would do it, I was allowed to change my mind. So again, this year for the mid-year holidays, I’d planned to drive the kids up for a visit. But it just didn’t sit well. Every time I thought about taking the kids back, and the emotions it might stir up, I just felt ill.
So again, I canned the trip. For them, anyway. Instead, I got some cheap (ish) mid-week flights and headed up one Tuesday morning, and home Wednesday night.
I was still dreading it. I had no idea how I would feel, seeing the house again; seeing other people in our house; seeing friends again who I hadn’t seen in ages. But thankfully, the house looked amazing and the tenants who had just moved in a few months ago really love living there. How could you not love a house with a huge deck and this view…
Our view for three amazing years. I really do miss it some days.
I caught up with some friends and got a great night sleep, which really is what it’s all about when I go away. I feel like I got a good mix of catch ups and rest, and didn’t cram too much in. It actually wasn’t as emotional as I thought it might have been, and now that I’ve been back on my own, I’m much more confident to take the kids with me next time.
You’re always there for me, aren’t you? Looming in the back of my mind; ready to rear your ugly head when the opportunity arises. You know your statements are justified; you know people would understand if I said aloud, what you say in a whisper.
This is so unfair
I shouldn’t have to do this alone
This is such bullshit
I did not sign up for this
You greet me in the morning when I have no choice but to get up. You tell me to stay in bed and ignore the kids; you tell me that I deserve more sleep, and that it’s not my fault I’m a single parent. I did not sign up for this.
You wait until I’m ridiculously tired, or a bit dusty from the night before; when I’ve been up half the night while the kids, one by one make their way into my bed because they need to be near me, to feel safe and secure, until there’s only a tiny space left for me and I can’t get back to sleep. This is bullshit.
You tap me on the shoulder as I’m looking around my messy house, the kids are fighting, while I have a mammoth to-do list to get through. I shouldn’t have to do this on my own.
You see me lying alone in bed at night with no one to wrap their warm arms around me and kiss me on the head and tell me I’m doing a great job and that I’m such a good Mama and that even though the kids were a massive pain today, they are so lucky to have me. This is so unfair.
Sometimes you sneak up on me, like the crafty bastard you are, and silently sit next to me. Open a bottle of wine. You deserve it. You deserve a bit of happiness in your life. Chocolate? Sure! Have some of that too. You won’t regret it. I promise.
And sure, sometimes you win. In those lonely nights where the house is quiet and I’m done fighting you for the day. I let you sit next to me for a while. I let you in like a bad ex-boyfriend who I know is no good for me, but is better than being alone.
You make sure that I barely recognise the reflection in the mirror some days. The woman staring back at me is middle-aged, overweight, tired and defeated.
But you know what, self pity? I have my village, and that’s why you, mostly, stay in the back of my thoughts where you belong. Sure, I know that if I let you take over, it would be understandable, but I worry that it would be a long, hard road back. So my village keeps you at bay. Yes, I still hear your whisper, but it will never become a roar with my family, friends and community doing their thing. And they do so bloody much.
I like being around you. I like our conversations, but I am just as happy to sit in silence with you, drinking tea. Though I don’t think that’s ever actually happened as we always have fun things to talk about.
I like that our conversations are (mainly) about ideas and life and experiences and dreams and fun things, not complaining about this that and the other.
You are fun, kind, interesting and capable. Time with you is always time well spent. I’m looking forward to that New BeGinnings cocktail on my deck some time, and more laughs and good chats over tea and freshly made olive bread.
The happiest of birthdays to you my friend. May the following year bring joy and surprises ❤️