Clarity

When I imagine Frith in the afterlife, the word that comes to mind is clarity. Frith always had so many conflicting emotions that he was constantly trying to resolve. He would get so annoyed at himself that he couldn’t just “be happy” with what he had, and where he was at. He knew it was futile, but he was always trying to do things/buy things/move places to make him happy.

Deep down he knew that he had to find happiness in himself, and unfortunately he struggled with that. And I truly believe that he now has full understanding of his earthly feelings; everything has come to make sense to him now, and he must have a sense of relief at having this clarity wash over him. And I wonder if he’s up there, looking down at me and thinking “honey it’s okay. One day you’ll understand as well.”

At least that’s what I imagine the afterlife to be. I’d never thought much about it before now, other than “yeah there’s God and there’s heaven” and of course it has made me question so many things, and I feel like I’m in a constant state of pondering.

I guess I long for the answers that I believe Frith now has, but all I have is an endless list of questions.

Flashback Friday

This time last year, I was rather pregnant, and about to hit up the Rocky night life for a friend’s hen’s night.

I’d had a fight with Frith in the afternoon about some meaningless crap, and decided to bugger off early to have some time to myself before meeting the girls. When I got home, he was waiting up for me and apologised. He rarely apologised to be honest, and this meant a lot to me. Gosh the things we remember…

Flashback Friday

The night we first kissed. 25th November 2006.

I was at a work conference and I snagged him a ticket to the conference dinner. He had just arrived back from 10 days overseas the day before and insisted on coming to see me. This is where we, for want of a better phrase, finally hooked up. We hit the d-floor, a slow number came on, and he went in for the pash. Yeah, super classy. My work colleagues were very mature about the whole thing.

If he saw this outfit now he would find it hilarious. Loose shirt, no vest, and super daggy tie. And I was in love. The start of something pretty darn amazing.

I don’t cry myself to sleep

I can’t. I just can’t.

I’m scared that if I start, I’ll fall into the giant chasm of despair, that’s waiting for me ever so quietly, patiently, and I’m not sure I would have the strength to claw myself back out.

I can’t think much about my new reality. I just can’t. How can I acknowledge the fact that the kids are going to grow up without their Dad? How can I even contemplate the idea that Darby and Julius will have absolutely no memory of Frith? And that Quinn will only have snippets and stories and photos? And that Chance’s heart will always be a bit sad and heavy with the absence of such an amazing Dadda.

I just can’t.

You say that I’m being brave and strong. I feel neither courage nor strength; it’s just my survival and Mama bear instincts getting me out of bed every day. I do it because I can’t bare the thought of the kids losing me to the grief that simmers just below the surface.

Don’t make me imagine my life without him. We had plans. We had dreams. We had ideas. We had choices. And we made them all together. Don’t ask me to now make them all on my own.

Don’t tell me my husband is gone for good.

I’ll tell you I’ll deal with it another day.

10 things on the 10th

10 things I never got to tell/ask Frith

1. That his best mate bought a Kia family car. I knew Frith would have given him so much curry over it and it would have been hilarious.

2. That he was enough. Right there and then. That he was enough.

3. I never got to share my awesome password that I made up for my main password list that is the MOTHER of all awesome passwords.

4. That I would have done anything to make him happy. If I could have.

5. That his mate and I had talked about sending him on this awesome medical camping trip in Tasmania this year.

6. I would have asked him if there was anything he thought he might like to do differently in our life.

7. That the school the kids now attend is “allergy aware” instead of “nut free”.

8. That we could have had a simple life and been perfectly happy.

9. I would have told him to be a teacher for a few years. Like an actual teacher in a school.

10. Could I have ever thought to ask him if he had ever ever thought about ending his life? I don’t know.

These are not regrets, or things that keep me up at night. Some of these things do weigh on my mind a little, but I’m trying not to feel regret over them. It’s just how it is.

Frith in his natural habitat ❤

Flashback Friday

This is waaaaaaay way back! Circa 1980. I’m the teeny tiny bubba, maybe a month or two old? And that’s my brother, about 18 months old, with Grandpa and Nanny.

If you’re new to the blog, you may not know that Nanny, who was my Dad’s mum, was very special to me. She and Grandpa both passed away in 2011. I’ve blogged about them a lot over the years, but this post  probably gives you the best idea about what kind of amazing lady she was.

I can just imagine, when Frith got to heaven, Nanny marching over and saying to him in her thick Russian accent “Come here I shmack you.”

Give him one from me too, Nanny. Then take good care of each other xxx

Today I went to the dentist

It seems like such a dumb thing to do. My husband died two months ago and it occurs to me that I’m due to go to my dentist for a check up. Frith used to make fun of the fact that I would book dentist visits when I came to Brisbane on holiday.

But he’s my dentist. He’s the only dentist I see. Sure I’ve tried other dentists but no one measures up to mine. I’ve been going to him for over 20 years and he’s the best.

So I made an appointment. Life goes on doesn’t it? I thought it best to get it out of the way before health insurance premiums change next month. I still think about practical things like that, even though I think it’s crazy to be thinking these things at this point in time. It’s just who I am. Mrs Practical.

I guess that’s why Frith always found it amusing, but he wasn’t surprised. He knew who he married.

I had to get a filling today. My first one in years. I didn’t want to talk about Frith and why I am living with my parents, and thankfully he didn’t ask. He’s a good dentist but/because he doesn’t do small talk. I just had to keep it together for the needle and not start crying.

Mission accomplished.

The last time I booked a dentist visit on our holiday, Frith came in to town with me and Chance and Quinn (about 18 months ago) and took the kids for a wander around town. While he was making fun of me, instead of getting defensive I joked that I’d also booked a pap smear and a colonoscopy while I was at it. Just to really cut loose on my holiday.

That was in July 2016. We were all down here for Frith’s PhD graduation ceremony and I think we stayed for over a week. It was such a good week too. Seems like a lifetime ago.

Life goes on.

I’m feeling sore and sorry for myself so I’ve also booked a spa pedi this evening thanks to a voucher from my gorgeous friend. That’ll cheer me up a little bit for sure.

This is the photo from that week, at Frith’s grad ceremony ❤❤❤

A slow learner

I had a face-palm moment this evening. I’m totally spent. I’m the most tired and exhausted I’ve been all year, and it’s been an exhausting year. I feel like I’ve been super snappy and impatient with the kids, which makes them snappy back, and the situation always escalates.

Tonight, I was just too tired to argue. Anytime they did something that frustrated me, I just honestly didn’t have the energy to react. So I kindly spoke to them, and the response has (obviously) been a much smoother evening.

I know this guys. I’m pretty sure most parents know the theory, but the practice is hard, because parenting is a tiring and monotonous job. But then I likened it to being an adult in an adult situation, and what happens when you fight with your partner.

I happened upon this blog post the other day, that I wrote about a year ago. The general gist is that I was (finally) learning that the best way to deal with conflict in marriage is with kindness. Which is really hard sometimes when another adult pisses you off, you just want to give them the finger and tell them to get stuffed. Sure, a good old fashioned fight with some yelling and huffing isn’t the worst thing from time to time, but before things escalated in an argument with Frith, and before I got defensive, I started to really try to diffuse the situation with kindness and understanding, and pretty much every time, it was a winner.

And it’s the same with kids. Only they haven’t learned the latter approach. They are still of the screaming/defiant/stomping/crying method. It’s up to me as their mum to respond with (somewhat firm) kindness. Any time I respond with yelling/annoyance/frustration/threats, things escalate and I always have a battle on my hands to bring them back down.

Tonight, as I was feeding Julius off to sleep, the three kids came downstairs, and after Chance and Quinn couldn’t find me, they went to their room and started colouring in. I was waiting for Darby to come into my room and wake Jules up by jumping on the bed to keep me company, so as he walked into the room, I greeted him with a whisper of “Hey buddy! How’s it going? Would you like to gently sit on the bed and wait for me to finish with Jules, and then we can read a story together?”

The response? A whisper of “okay Mama” before he sat down quietly on the edge of the bed. That’s when I had my ah-ha moment. Honestly it was the sweetest thing. Normally I was yell-whisper not to disturb us, and he would always, in an act of defiance, jump on the bed, while I imagined him giving me the finger and telling me to get stuffed.

It is SO hard, sometimes seemingly impossible, not to lose my cool when things reach crisis point, but I really hope I can remember this evening, and that it serves as a reminder to me that my kids are just little humans that have to be taught big life skills. And now it’s up to me to do that.

My awesome foursome

Flashback Friday

How could I possibly not share this collage of Darby at 6 months old.

First food faces are the absolute best aren’t they?

And how can I possibly not share this one too, taken just a few days later.

And look at our little nugget now. Well, not so little that’s for sure! Still making us laugh with his antics, and still has a heart of gold.