Author: Renae

Living life as a wife, a stay at home mama of 3 kids under 5, a marriage celebrant, a craft and sewing amateur, a cooked breakfast lover, coffee enthusiast, extroverted socialite, and most recently, someone who is trying to keep a tidy house. It's tough I tell you!

The Loneliness of Grief

/ Renae / 4 Comments

It sounds like a good title for a book, don’t you think? To be honest, since Frith died, I’ve considered writing a book, and this is one of the titles I’ve thrown around in my head. It was inspired by something said by a fellow sufferer of grief; the wife of a doctor who died by suicide 16 months ago, who I have befriended and who has been such a comfort in my life this year. (Hi Sue x)

I was just sitting on the couch, trying to decide what to watch, and all of a sudden I was filled with the desire, the need to talk to Frith. The silence that fills this space, the void on the couch next to me, the absence of my companion, my partner in life, punches me in the face every so often. And tonight was one of those times.

Normally, I’m fairly present, and these moments don’t often creep up on me. I’m constantly aware of them, but they don’t take me by surprise, if you get my drift. For example, my brother-in-law, Jacques, is driving the kombi at the moment, and is staying with my mother-in-law, a kilometer down the road, and every time I drive past the kombi, I’m present enough to know that Frith isn’t nearby.

I know it’s because nothing here is associated with Frith, so I don’t have the constant reminders of him. If we were still living in our family home in Rockhampton, I would have a constant feeling of Frith about to come home, or listening out for him. In some ways I’m fortunate not to have that constant reminder that he’s not here.

Like I need to be reminded.

But tonight, I was caught off-guard, and wondered for a moment “where’s Frith and what does he want to watch, because I can’t decide”. And it stung. I don’t cry much, partly because I don’t have the energy left at the end of the day; partly because my life feels surreal and it’s easy to detach from the old and exist in the new. But I suspect it’s mainly because if I start, my heart breaks a little more, and it’s too hard to stop. There will never be an end to this loneliness and this grief, and the thought of having to acknowledge that is just too much right now.

Maybe one day.

It does matter

/ Renae / 1 Comment

I don’t often read the news, but every now and then I scroll through and get sucked in to clicking on headlines. I came across this story today, and my immediate reaction piqued my interest, so I did some further delving into the depths of my mind, and here’s what I came up with.

In my opinion, It matters how people die.

For those playing at home, the article is about the Good Samaritan in Melbourne who stopped to help a motorcyclist who had been hit by a car, and she was hit by another car while assisting, and she died. This in itself is an absolute tragedy. Had it been five minutes earlier or later, she would most likely still be alive right now. Just one of those horrendous “wrong place at the wrong time” moments.

What I read today, was that the motorcyclist who she was trying to save, and who also died, was a “career criminal” and had been arrested for speeding and other driving charges.

My initial thought was “he wasn’t even worth saving!”

Woah.

I don’t know if it’s the shite year I have had that prompted that graceless response, but even I was shocked by the harshness of it. I guess unconsciously, momentarily, I put myself if her family’s shoes for just a second. She was 27 and left behind a seven and five year old. The injustice of it stung me. The what-ifs are deafening.

Then I wondered, would it be easier for the family if she was saving an upstanding citizen, with no criminal record, who left behind a loving spouse and kids of his/her own? Or does that fact that she was selflessly trying to save a fellow human being, because that’s what we should do matter the most? It’s easier to want to save people who are just like us, but what about the unsavoury characters?

That’s what Christian grace is I suppose. Loving those who have done nothing to earn it.

And yes, this has to do with Frith and Etienne as well.

For the past 8+ months, with a select few, I have been continuously discussing the lead up to Frith’s death; what was he thinking? What could we have done? When did this start? How was he feeling? Why didn’t he reach out? And the aftermath; what do we all do now without him around?

When Etienne died, of a suspected cardiac episode, there was no place for those conversations. It was just a horribly tragedy.

It does matter.

The heartache that we are enduring, that the boys’ family are living every second of every day, is monumentally unfair. We/they don’t deserve this, but no one does. No one “deserves” anything in this life, good or bad. Some people work hard and get to grand places, but they are no more or less deserving than someone else who works just as hard and can never catch a break.

So what do we do with this unfairness? Do we let bitterness creep in, and take over our lives? Do we continue with the what-ifs? Do we acknowledge that other people have a rough deal as well, and we are just part of the unlucky bunch who drew the short straw? Do we keep asking the “why” and “how” questions until we are driven to the brink?

Do we accept that we will never have answers in this life? And that the only way forward is to keep putting one foot in front of the other?

Maybe we need to play the hand we get given, and accessorise the life we have.

I don’t know. I just know that, to me, it matters how we live this life, and how we leave it.

Got Gastro?

/ Renae / Leave a comment

No? How about the flu? A cold?

It seems like almost everyone I know is affected by one or more of the above. Gastro has passed through this household (pun intended) in the past week, and we have all been affected in some way, with Jules the final casualty today. Mum has a flu she can’t shake, and my cold is making its way to my chest, hopefully on the way out of my system! I have gotten sick more in the last nine months than I have in the last five years I’m sure.

BUT! (Pun intended) I’m VERY grateful that I was able to attend and thoroughly enjoy the two weddings without any illness. I really and truly am so glad about that. And to top off my gratitude, my back is starting to come good, and I can start moving more, again. Once I get rid of this damn cold that is…

Darby’s Godfather Felix is coming for a visit this weekend and we all can’t wait! I have pre-warned him about the house of illness, but he assures me he is still coming 🙂 It is always nice having visitors, and the kids really love having him around. As do I of course.

We are heading to Lake Cootharaba for a few days next week, with a bit of camping and a bit of Airbnb action, so there will be packing for that to do as well. Hoping to have a fairly low-key weekend otherwise, so we can all recover. It has not been any fun around here this week I can tell you. Lots of self-pity from this gal right here.

So that’s me for now. If you are unwell, I hope you are on your way to wellness again, because being sick is the absolute pits.

10 things on the 10th

/ Renae / Leave a comment

10 things that make me go Hmmmmm……

And by hmmmm I mean a resounding eye-roll and long sigh….. (at the very least)

1. Paperwork

2. Phone calls to banks and insurance companies

3. Phone calls from telemarketers

4. Sick kids

5. Gastro

6. Colds and flu

7. Back pain

8. Interrupted sleep

9. Another month that has gone by, with the 10th coming way to fast.

10. This list

My four in onesies

/ Renae / Leave a comment

Ooh my heart ❤️

Look I’m not going to lie. I can’t believe it’s been over 2 weeks since my last blog post, and this is a quick-fix for that. I was going to blog about The Whitlams song but I ended up just putting a post up on fb because it was the easy option at the time.

My back is still annoying and niggly, and I’m really needing to get moving again which is being delayed, but I’m getting treatment and it’s slowly coming good. Julius’ burn is healing very well and his “sleeve” doesn’t seem to worry him much. He has to wear it every day, with a break for a couple hours, for at least a few months. What a friggin’ champ. Can you imagine any of my other kids being okay and not whingey about it if it were them??? Or me??? Nopey nope nope.

The last two weekends saw me at two of the best weddings of my life, hands down, in every way. The first was a country wedding at the bride’s family farm for one of Frith’s best mates. It may have helped that I had four child-free nights, an 11-hour stretch of sleep, and adult conversations. But I think it was most likely all the wedding feels.

The second, on the weekend just gone, was for my dear friend of over 25 years, Beth, who married the love of her life, in their back yard at their beautiful house.

Both weddings had so many gorgeous, personal touches, and there was just so much love everywhere. I also met some new people and had some great conversations. I still find it tricky to know whether a) they know about Frith; b) I should tell them about Frith; c) if I mention Frith in conversation, which I often do, where it will lead… It’s hard to navigate sometimes, but honestly, everyone is always so supportive and loving and caring, so I needn’t worry too much. It’s just the balance of the time vs the place vs the circumstances, you know? There’s never a good time, but I also don’t want to hide that part of my life away if someone asks.

Anyway. Hello tangent!

I will give a more thorough report on both weddings, with photos, very soon, but in the mean time, I’m still here, still tap-tap-typing away 🙂

Pardon my French…

/ Renae / 2 Comments

…but this week has been all shades of shite.

Well that’s not entirely true. We had Kris and Kate up for a few days over the weekend to celebrate my brother’s 40th birthday and had a lovely gathering here on Saturday afternoon.

Unfortunately our adventurous little Julius wanted to see how the hot water urn worked, and got burns down his hand and arm. After some time in ED on Sunday, we were referred to the burns clinic at Lady Cilento on Tuesday. He was such a trooper.

Tuesday morning I woke up and got ready for our train ride into the hospital. I felt my back twinge a bit but that’s not so unusual so off we went. By the time we arrived at the hospital I knew it wasn’t just a twinge. Again, Julius was a superstar (the drugs helped with the dressing change) and we made another appointment for Friday.

I was so grateful having Vicky, my friend and nanny and nurse with me to help pick Jules up and help me as well. By Tuesday afternoon and evening my back just kept getting worse and when I woke up yesterday, back spasms kept me in bed all morning. Every time I tried to get up, it was agony.

The pain killers I was on just weren’t cutting it and I ended up at the hospital. Unfortunately I have a feeling they thought I was just after more drugs (I do look pretty dodgy I guess) and basically just said

“yeah back pain is no good. Keep moving as much as you can but also rest. Have a nice day.”

I mean, I’ve had back pain before, but these spasms are truly something else. I have to take Jules in for his bandage change tomorrow morning, I have a physio appointment tomorrow afternoon and I’m supposed to be going to the P!NK concert tomorrow night. I don’t know that the concert will be happening ? But I haven’t ruled it out yet!!

I just have to make sure I’m better, or at least mobile, for my plane trip to Townsville next Thursday. I’m supposed to be away (child free) for five days to do a very good friend’s wedding.

Seriously, 2018? Enough already!!

10 things on the 10th

/ Renae / Leave a comment

Will edition

1. Do you have a will?

2. If you don’t, go and organise it.

3. Now. Please?

4. The last 7 months and 10 days have been made exponentially more difficult because we didn’t have a will.

5. I now have a will. It had been on our “to do” list for a couple of years.

6. In the most awful time of my life, a will would have simplified things so much. I’m still dealing with the paperwork around Frith’s final pay from Qld Health (which would have been paid directly to me, had there been a will.)

7. Make sure your family has a will.

8. Hopefully it will just sit there for decades, and not be needed in your youth. But for your family’s sake, make it easier for them.

9. Make it a goal for before New Years Day 2019, to have your will in order.

10. Thank you.

“This is Where I Leave You”

/ Renae / 1 Comment

Have you seen this movie?

When their father passes away, four grown siblings are forced to return to their childhood home and live under the same roof together for a week, along with their over-sharing mother and an assortment of spouses, exes and might-have-beens.

It’s the read deal. I saw it with my bestie Kate, when it first came out in 2014 and it seriously stuck with me over the years. When I saw today it was on Netflix, I knew it was what I was going to be watching tonight. And here I am. At the bottom of my second glass of red, fourth piece of 70% dark chocolate, needing to write.

I haven’t blogged in a little while. Not properly anyway. What do I say? My husband died on new years day, and his brother, my dear, sweet, brother-in-law, died last week. What does it all mean? Why is all this happening to such a beautiful family?

I was in a bad place this afternoon. Yesterday was Etienne’s funeral, and it really hit me hard. Today was challenging. Parenting, combined with not enough sleep and too much grief, left me in a yelling, impatient mood with the kids. Not my finest hour(s).

I reached out to a few people, my support crew, and I was reassured, I was loved, and I was understood; I was encouraged, I was forgiven, and I was shown grace. All the things I needed, there and then.

And then I watched the movie. It’s one of my favourite movies of all time. It’s so real and makes me wonder if my kids are going to be this close when they get older. Three boys and a girl. Though, their father died when they were all adults, not kids and babies. Makes me so sad. Life can be so unfair.

There are so many stand-out lines in the movie.

Anything can happen. Anything happens all the time.

In the movie, the context was good stuff. But in my life right now, I just believe anything happens all the time, good and bad. And one day, a good “anything” will happen. I do believe that.

Another one:

There you go. Deflecting emotion with logistics.

Oh my gosh this is me!! Ha ha. When I heard this line, It just resonated with me. It’s so much easier for me to focus on logistics, than it is to focus on emotions. When people ask me how I’m doing, I always reply “I’m okay. As long as the kids are okay, I’m okay.” It’s almost turned into a mantra. Do people want to hear how I’m really going?  My Uber driver last night asked me how my day was, and I answered honestly. But it’s hard, because it changes daily, sometimes by the hour.

At 5pm today I couldn’t see a way I could possibly put one foot in front of the other. By 6:30pm I was a little better, because my kids were laughing hysterically at the movie they were watching, which made me smile; and by 7:00pm I was ever better, when Mum and Dad told me that Julius’ reaction to hearing a bubbly wine cork popping was to say “Mama!” It made me laugh. Then around 7:30pm, mum and dad and I were watching the movie “Twins” and laughing at the same dumb gags we were laughing at when we watched it together 20 years ago.

That shit is real.

Is this life? Is this grief? Is this just how my life is going to be from now on? I said to my counselor the other day that I just want to feel normal again, but that will never happen, as my normal will never be the same. This is my new normal. I have to feel this, and quite frankly, it scares the shit out of me. Much easier to focus on the logistics. Where will we live? What school will the kids go to? What sports will they play?

Did I mention I love Jason Bateman? Yeah. It’s been going on for a while. I’m okay with it. Though in this movie, I would not say no to smoking weed with Philip. I only ever dabbled in a joint or two in my (very) late teens, but right now, I feel like I need something to chill out just a little 🙂 Just saying. (Hello tangent.)

There is seriously so much about this movie that I love. In the end, Jason’s character (yes, we are on a first-name basis. Deal with it) takes the Porsche. I love that. I like to think I would have the stones to do that also. Maybe one day I will be presented with an opportunity to take the Porsche, and I think I could do it. There’s not much that scares me these days.

I love writing. I need writing in my life. Maybe I am a writer. People keep telling me I’m good at it, and I keep saying it’s a hobby, but I do love it. And during the whole movie tonight, I was formulating this blog post. And here I am.

The last song of the movie is “are you ready to fly On Your Own“. Seriously. Could this movie possibly talk to me more?? Ugh. It’s almost too much.

Almost.

Or maybe just enough.

This is where I leave you. And fly on my own.

Together again

/ Renae / 1 Comment

It’s hard to believe neither of them are with us anymore. This year has been so cruel.

I’m sure they have found each other in the afterlife and have so much to talk about. Two brilliant minds with full knowledge of the universe. Can you even imagine?

It doesn’t make it easier for us left behind though.

Gentlemen, you are so loved and so missed. We promise to take care of each other, until we meet again.

❤

Etienne Foottit ~ October 1986 – July 2018

The fog

/ Renae / Leave a comment

I don’t know if it’s the fact that all four kids slept in their own beds all night long last night, until 7am this morning, but I woke up feeling pretty okay.

I don’t know know if it’s because my anger is starting to soften, but I spent my morning with a warmer heart.

I don’t know if it was the baby cuddles I had with my cousin’s seven week old this morning, but my day felt lighter.

I don’t know if it was the gratitude I feel towards my family helping me out every single day that made my afternoon feel easier.

I don’t know if it was the endorphins from the Hiit workout I did this afternoon, but my muscles definitely felt sore. But stronger than yesterday.

I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow. I don’t know how the kids will sleep tonight. But I do feel like the fog has lifted, if ever so slightly, and I’m starting to see and feel things again that I haven’t been open to since the start of the year.

And it feels pretty okay.