How could I possibly not share this collage of Darby at 6 months old.
First food faces are the absolute best aren’t they?
And how can I possibly not share this one too, taken just a few days later.
And look at our little nugget now. Well, not so little that’s for sure! Still making us laugh with his antics, and still has a heart of gold.
I don’t do boots, but I do do Docs. (ha ha. do do…)
And Docs be Docs.
And I be in love. I bought these today and thought of Frith the whole time.
Honey, you were the king of boots and the king of cool, when you weren’t being the king of the nerds. We bought these RM Cuban Heels at the local Lifeline for $20. (Yes, $20, not $200). And you rocked them for three-and-a-half years. I still have them now.
May 2014
You are always in my heart and soul. Of my shoe.
Keeping it punny just for you.
And rhyming too!
I love you xxxx
Frith with Darby in our temporary accommodation in Rockhampton before moving in to our new house. January 2015.
I sometimes wonder about posting these sorts of photos. I know it can be sad and painful, but we had so so so many wonderful times together. Not enough years, but so many moments, and I want to share those memories here. I want my kids to know how much he loved them. Truly. He was completely in love. With all of us. He felt so deeply and I want that to shine through when I share these memories.
We think of him every day. Some days it feels like every minute. Is that even possible? Is it possible for me not to think of him? He’s always there, somewhere, in some way. He truly is unforgettable and for that I am grateful.
I thought I’d better get into blogging about this before I do what I did last year and went months and months without the full debrief!
As Quinn’s birthday was looming, I took the steps to plan her birthday party. Last year was a huge affair with a jumping castle and loads of her friends, and ours, and it was a fantastic afternoon that continued on into the evening, as our gatherings always did.
This year was going to be a smaller affair, but it turned out bigger than I had planned. The weather didn’t cooperate with the coldest February day in years (on record?? Surely not) It was raining, windy and cold. And the party was at the local playground.
The good news is, we had the place to ourselves! The bad news was that the kids got soaked through within the first five minutes so were a little miserable on and off for the afternoon.
Quinn wanted a cake with ballerinas, Minnie Mouse, flowers and something else I can’t remember. I suggested a mermaid cupcake cake like this:
Bless her cotton socks she agreed, and was even excited about it! As was I! There was a slight transportation issue with the mermaid tail cupcakes…
But with extra icing and a metric tonne of sprinkles, no one was the wiser…
Ha ha. Nailed it! 🙂
The birthday girl was a little overwhelmed with all the fuss, and stayed close to her Mama. That was fine by me. I don’t often get lots of cuddles from my baby girl.
She was all smiles when it came to the cake.
Again, it’s not what we planned, but we were surrounded by some of the best people in our lives and for that I am grateful. Happy 5th Birthday to my Quinny. You have always been Dadda’s girl, and I know you miss him but his spirit lives in you. You are determined, caring, hilarious, and kind. You will always be our baby girl, even though you are growing up before my eyes. Your family love you so much and I know you will go on to do great things in your life. We will be there for you every step of the way.
Love, Mama xxxxxxx
Around her first birthday
And yesterday
Happy 5th birthday Quinny you gorgeous girl.
In the past I’ve read about people who have found themselves in my position. Mothers who have lost their husband/partner, whether it be suddenly, unexpectedly, after a long illness; it’s irrelevant. They have been left to raise the kids on their own* and manage life without their beloved.
My heart has ached for these women; I have been brought to tears thinking about how their babies would no longer have their Dadda around; and I have struggled to understand in any way how they must be feeling after losing the love of their life.
Now that I have found myself in that very circumstance, all I can tell you is that it feels nothing like I could have imagined. It’s unreal. And not in the denial sense of the word. Not in a way that I can’t accept it. Just in the way that I never could have imagined. It’s a whole new world for us and it feels so incredibly strange.
My heart still aches for my kids and my guts still feel ill a lot of the time. I feel so sad that my kids won’t have Frith around to teach them the million things he should have. I’m devastated that our “til death do us part” was only 10 years of marriage. I cry for the unfairness that we won’t get to go on the crazy adventures we planned. I feel for the interns and medical students and colleagues who respected Frith so deeply, and all that knowledge that won’t be taught by someone who was a born teacher. I feel sick at the thought of his parents losing a son; his siblings losing a brother, his friends losing a fantastic mate, and the world losing a damn splendid and unique human being.
I’ve had so many offers of help over the last 23 days, and it’s hard to think of things that people can “do” for me. But I’ve just thought of something. So here it is: Do something unique. Do something in a different way to everyone else. Do something outrageous. Do something unexpected. Do something kind. Teach someone something. Look up a crazy fact to bring up at your next dinner party. Download a full 20 minute episode of Adam Ruins Everything and tell me which one you watched (we’ve seen most of them). Then tell someone else about it. Buy something off Gumtree or at a garage sale or op shop instead of buying it new.
I’m not going to tell you cliches like “live every day like it’s your last” or ” you just never know when your life might change so appreciate every moment.” It’s unrealistic to live that way. But do something every week or month or year that’s just a bit different; see the world with Frith-coloured-lenses and try something new. He never did anything because “everybody else does it that way.” In fact he avoided doing what everyone else did. So branch out from the norm and let me know how you go.
One last thing. Listen to “Wake Me Up” by Avicii (sorry no link), listen to the words and think of Frith. He may not have been here for a long time but my goodness it was a good time.
Who needs an expensive baby carrier when a chesty Bonds will do? Just a suggestion 🙂
*I know I’m not even close to being “on my own” but in this context I mean as the sole parent.
Frith fiercely loved me. He saw things in me that I had trouble seeing in myself, but he always showed his love to me and I always felt completely safe with him by my side. He was besotted with and adored his children like crazy. He taught them new things every day and just wanted to make them happy.
Frith cherished his family, and even though he sometimes gave his siblings a hard time, he had nothing but admiration for them. He was the best uncle to his nieces and nephew and a wonderful, cheeky son to his amazing parents.
Frith admired his colleagues and spoke of his mentors with such praise. He made friends easily, and held a select few close to his heart. Those select few have turned into a few more over that last 10 years.
Frith was such a unique person with so many different hobbies and interests. He could have conversations with anyone from anywhere, and they would immediately warm to him. It’s one of the many things that made him a great doctor, as well as just a great person.
Once you met Frith, you would always remember him; something about him. Maybe his dreads, maybe his smile, maybe his sharp dressing or shiny boots, maybe his ability to engage with your kid with a high-five and snap of the fingers.
I know he loved to live life. But I also know he often felt like there was more. He wanted more, but he didn’t know what it was or how to get it. It might surprise you to know that behind his charismatic flair, happiness often eluded him, and that would make him feel sad. He seemed to have it all, but his deep thinking mind often drove him into existential woe, especially after a big night.
I know many of you are wondering about the circumstances surrounding his death, and I don’t want it to be taboo. I don’t know all the details; no one does, and we never will.
What I know to be true is that Frith took his own life. Something got the better of him and in a moment of drunken madness, he made a decision.
It’s hard not to speculate about this and that. It’s hard not to ask the “why” and “how did this happen” questions. It’s hard for us not to wonder if we could have done something. Even though he was never diagnosed, I believe Frith suffered from some depression but I thought that since we talked so often and openly about everything, that was enough.
What I know to be true is that he loved with great passion. He genuinely cared for people and was always there for a beer and a chat. This is how we will remember him.
Went to visit friends parents farm today!
Nothing like a bit of fresh air and a quad bike for a bit of fun for the day!
Another great one!
Darby looks so grown up in this photo!
This is the same Christmas tree from six years ago! (That baby is Chance!)
We’ve had a wonderful day full of family, food and great presents! Jules’ first Christmas!
So many lovely memories in mum and dad’s new house. Mango smoothies for breakfast!
Ouma and Jules
Cheesey cheese!
Grumpy is good
Merry Christmas everyone! We hope you have had a wonderful day xxx