Category: Stuff

What a great day

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You know those situations where things don’t exactly go to plan, but you just decide you can’t do anything about it and just go with it? That was today. I had planned a birthday party in the park for Chance and Darby yesterday, but due to fevers and a spot of spew, decided to postpone to today, and hope for the best. And I got it!

The boys are really into Super Mario at the moment, with Chance always choosing to be Mario, and Darby in love with Luigi, pronounced “Louie-Gee”. It’s the best! And easy to find inspiration for their cakes! I also found the hats and tashes on ebay, and just couldn’t resist!

I had so much fun making the cakes, (the 8 was my signature orange polenta cake with chocolate ganache, and the 4 was the best chocolate cake with chocolate icing – I’ve been making this for years and it’s best served at room temperature, for those playing at home) and it was nice to take my time with the decorating. I used pre-made royal icing (it’s the best!) and put it all together fairly easily. With a glass of bubbly and no interruptions, it was a great Saturday night in my books!

The boys were so happy with the end product. I hadn’t told them what I was doing, so it was so nice to see their faces when they saw them, though clearly, Darby has his poker face on here… 

My heart is so full as I type this and look at the photos. It was really exactly what I was hoping it would be – easy, relaxed, a few kids to play with, lots of adults around to help with the kids, (thank you in particular Nathan, Josie, Uncle Felix and Aunty Kate!!!!!) and very happy kids. In my present circumstances, what more could I possibly ask for?

And to top it off, Darby just came out and told me he had an itchy arm and can he have some cream on it. I put some Sudocrem on which I usually use when I change Julius’ nappy and he said “that’s butt cream.”

The perfect end to a marvelous day. 

Feeling restless

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I really don’t know what it is right now, but I’m feeling so fidgety and restless. It could be a number of things, like this time of year is so busy for us with Chance’s birthday (tomorrow) and Darby’s birthday (7th Dec) and my Christmas cards that I’ve finished making, but haven’t started writing in. There’s cupcakes to be made and taken to school, there’s cakes, cakes and more cakes to be baked for the party, there’s gifts to be bought, then there’s the usual day-to-day, week-to-week crap to keep on top of.

There are so many “firsts without Frith” coming up in the next month, and then it will have been a year since he left. Just like that. 

I feel like I have eight things to do all the time, and I don’t know which one to start on, so I thought I’d write a blog post. I’ve found it really hard to write on the blog lately, even though there’s plenty to share. I feel like we are all limping in to the end of the year, but once the kids finish school, that’s when work needs to be done on the house, and stuff needs to be moved in!

Maybe I’m a little apprehensive about the move, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. I guess it’s just that it’s another big adjustment and I’ll need to factor in potential melt-downs and settling-in jitters from the kids for a few weeks into the new year. 

And then of course there’s New Years Day. God, really? I’ve talked about it with Chance a little bit, and I suggested we celebrate Dadda’s birthday each year, and be happy on New Years Day, and excited about what a New Year can bring for our family. I just don’t want to start every single year from now on, on such an awful, sad note, you know? I want to celebrate our time as a family of six, but also forge ahead as a party of five. 

I think this has helped; getting a few things out of my head and onto the screen. Tomorrow is a big day for my biggest boy, and I plan to make it extra special for him. 

Going Solo and Melbourne

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Mum and Dad went to Melbourne last Wednesday, and they return home today. I decided to “go it alone” with the kids at home, as a bit of a test run for when we find a house of our own. I did have some help (and lots of fun!) over the weekend with sleepovers and activities, and help with washing during the week, but for the most part, the last nine days has seen me single-parenting the kids.

And you know what? It’s gone rather well.

It’s one of those situations where, if you know you have to do it, you just do it. Having Mum and Dad around is an absolute God-send, and I really do appreciate how much they do for me every single day, especially when they’re not around. But I guess for me it’s nice to know that when it comes to it, I will be able to manage “on my own.”

Having something to look forward to has certainly helped! I head to Melbourne tomorrow morning for a friend’s 50th on Saturday night, and I get home Sunday night. I’m SO excited about this trip. You guys know how much I love Melbourne, and being able to see a bunch of people all at once will be such a treat. So this has definitely helped me plough through the night time routines and seemingly endless mornings.

I also feel like I have a bit of my writing mojo back which is nice. I have a lot going on in my head, a lot going down on paper, and not much going on the screen, but it’s nice to be writing again.

The title of this post was originally “Going Solo and Being Blindsided by Grief” but the grief thing is a post all in itself. I did want to say thank you for all the love after I shared that article on fb yesterday. It hit me rather hard and rather unexpectedly.

But right now I’m concentrating on my parenting victories, and my upcoming trip to my happy town. I might even squeeze in a spot of op-shopping 🙂

It does matter

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I don’t often read the news, but every now and then I scroll through and get sucked in to clicking on headlines. I came across this story today, and my immediate reaction piqued my interest, so I did some further delving into the depths of my mind, and here’s what I came up with.

In my opinion, It matters how people die.

For those playing at home, the article is about the Good Samaritan in Melbourne who stopped to help a motorcyclist who had been hit by a car, and she was hit by another car while assisting, and she died. This in itself is an absolute tragedy. Had it been five minutes earlier or later, she would most likely still be alive right now. Just one of those horrendous “wrong place at the wrong time” moments.

What I read today, was that the motorcyclist who she was trying to save, and who also died, was a “career criminal” and had been arrested for speeding and other driving charges.

My initial thought was “he wasn’t even worth saving!”

Woah.

I don’t know if it’s the shite year I have had that prompted that graceless response, but even I was shocked by the harshness of it. I guess unconsciously, momentarily, I put myself if her family’s shoes for just a second. She was 27 and left behind a seven and five year old. The injustice of it stung me. The what-ifs are deafening.

Then I wondered, would it be easier for the family if she was saving an upstanding citizen, with no criminal record, who left behind a loving spouse and kids of his/her own? Or does that fact that she was selflessly trying to save a fellow human being, because that’s what we should do matter the most? It’s easier to want to save people who are just like us, but what about the unsavoury characters?

That’s what Christian grace is I suppose. Loving those who have done nothing to earn it.

And yes, this has to do with Frith and Etienne as well.

For the past 8+ months, with a select few, I have been continuously discussing the lead up to Frith’s death; what was he thinking? What could we have done? When did this start? How was he feeling? Why didn’t he reach out? And the aftermath; what do we all do now without him around?

When Etienne died, of a suspected cardiac episode, there was no place for those conversations. It was just a horribly tragedy.

It does matter.

The heartache that we are enduring, that the boys’ family are living every second of every day, is monumentally unfair. We/they don’t deserve this, but no one does. No one “deserves” anything in this life, good or bad. Some people work hard and get to grand places, but they are no more or less deserving than someone else who works just as hard and can never catch a break.

So what do we do with this unfairness? Do we let bitterness creep in, and take over our lives? Do we continue with the what-ifs? Do we acknowledge that other people have a rough deal as well, and we are just part of the unlucky bunch who drew the short straw? Do we keep asking the “why” and “how” questions until we are driven to the brink?

Do we accept that we will never have answers in this life? And that the only way forward is to keep putting one foot in front of the other?

Maybe we need to play the hand we get given, and accessorise the life we have.

I don’t know. I just know that, to me, it matters how we live this life, and how we leave it.

Got Gastro?

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No? How about the flu? A cold?

It seems like almost everyone I know is affected by one or more of the above. Gastro has passed through this household (pun intended) in the past week, and we have all been affected in some way, with Jules the final casualty today. Mum has a flu she can’t shake, and my cold is making its way to my chest, hopefully on the way out of my system! I have gotten sick more in the last nine months than I have in the last five years I’m sure.

BUT! (Pun intended) I’m VERY grateful that I was able to attend and thoroughly enjoy the two weddings without any illness. I really and truly am so glad about that. And to top off my gratitude, my back is starting to come good, and I can start moving more, again. Once I get rid of this damn cold that is…

Darby’s Godfather Felix is coming for a visit this weekend and we all can’t wait! I have pre-warned him about the house of illness, but he assures me he is still coming 🙂 It is always nice having visitors, and the kids really love having him around. As do I of course.

We are heading to Lake Cootharaba for a few days next week, with a bit of camping and a bit of Airbnb action, so there will be packing for that to do as well. Hoping to have a fairly low-key weekend otherwise, so we can all recover. It has not been any fun around here this week I can tell you. Lots of self-pity from this gal right here.

So that’s me for now. If you are unwell, I hope you are on your way to wellness again, because being sick is the absolute pits.

“This is Where I Leave You”

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Have you seen this movie?

When their father passes away, four grown siblings are forced to return to their childhood home and live under the same roof together for a week, along with their over-sharing mother and an assortment of spouses, exes and might-have-beens.

It’s the read deal. I saw it with my bestie Kate, when it first came out in 2014 and it seriously stuck with me over the years. When I saw today it was on Netflix, I knew it was what I was going to be watching tonight. And here I am. At the bottom of my second glass of red, fourth piece of 70% dark chocolate, needing to write.

I haven’t blogged in a little while. Not properly anyway. What do I say? My husband died on new years day, and his brother, my dear, sweet, brother-in-law, died last week. What does it all mean? Why is all this happening to such a beautiful family?

I was in a bad place this afternoon. Yesterday was Etienne’s funeral, and it really hit me hard. Today was challenging. Parenting, combined with not enough sleep and too much grief, left me in a yelling, impatient mood with the kids. Not my finest hour(s).

I reached out to a few people, my support crew, and I was reassured, I was loved, and I was understood; I was encouraged, I was forgiven, and I was shown grace. All the things I needed, there and then.

And then I watched the movie. It’s one of my favourite movies of all time. It’s so real and makes me wonder if my kids are going to be this close when they get older. Three boys and a girl. Though, their father died when they were all adults, not kids and babies. Makes me so sad. Life can be so unfair.

There are so many stand-out lines in the movie.

Anything can happen. Anything happens all the time.

In the movie, the context was good stuff. But in my life right now, I just believe anything happens all the time, good and bad. And one day, a good “anything” will happen. I do believe that.

Another one:

There you go. Deflecting emotion with logistics.

Oh my gosh this is me!! Ha ha. When I heard this line, It just resonated with me. It’s so much easier for me to focus on logistics, than it is to focus on emotions. When people ask me how I’m doing, I always reply “I’m okay. As long as the kids are okay, I’m okay.” It’s almost turned into a mantra. Do people want to hear how I’m really going?  My Uber driver last night asked me how my day was, and I answered honestly. But it’s hard, because it changes daily, sometimes by the hour.

At 5pm today I couldn’t see a way I could possibly put one foot in front of the other. By 6:30pm I was a little better, because my kids were laughing hysterically at the movie they were watching, which made me smile; and by 7:00pm I was ever better, when Mum and Dad told me that Julius’ reaction to hearing a bubbly wine cork popping was to say “Mama!” It made me laugh. Then around 7:30pm, mum and dad and I were watching the movie “Twins” and laughing at the same dumb gags we were laughing at when we watched it together 20 years ago.

That shit is real.

Is this life? Is this grief? Is this just how my life is going to be from now on? I said to my counselor the other day that I just want to feel normal again, but that will never happen, as my normal will never be the same. This is my new normal. I have to feel this, and quite frankly, it scares the shit out of me. Much easier to focus on the logistics. Where will we live? What school will the kids go to? What sports will they play?

Did I mention I love Jason Bateman? Yeah. It’s been going on for a while. I’m okay with it. Though in this movie, I would not say no to smoking weed with Philip. I only ever dabbled in a joint or two in my (very) late teens, but right now, I feel like I need something to chill out just a little 🙂 Just saying. (Hello tangent.)

There is seriously so much about this movie that I love. In the end, Jason’s character (yes, we are on a first-name basis. Deal with it) takes the Porsche. I love that. I like to think I would have the stones to do that also. Maybe one day I will be presented with an opportunity to take the Porsche, and I think I could do it. There’s not much that scares me these days.

I love writing. I need writing in my life. Maybe I am a writer. People keep telling me I’m good at it, and I keep saying it’s a hobby, but I do love it. And during the whole movie tonight, I was formulating this blog post. And here I am.

The last song of the movie is “are you ready to fly On Your Own“. Seriously. Could this movie possibly talk to me more?? Ugh. It’s almost too much.

Almost.

Or maybe just enough.

This is where I leave you. And fly on my own.

Fine. I’ll pay.

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I paid my infringement notices today.

My appeal got knocked back.

My second appeal got knocked back.

I could go to court, but I don’t have the time or the energy. I guess that’s what they count on. As I was getting the tickets, I honestly believed that if I appealed it would be an obvious decision for them to withdraw the infringement notices. I guess my question is, if not in my circumstances, when on earth would an appeal ever be successful. Like. Ever.

Anyway, they are paid and that is done with.

And I’m not giving it another thought. Because I’m going to Melbourne in the morning!! ON MY OWN!!! For 30 hours!!! Newman College, where Frith and I lived in Melbourne, and I worked at, are celebrating their centennial year, and are having a number of lunches and events. One of which was a staff get together, past and present, and I was invited. I wasn’t going to go, but a number of things made me consider it, and once my mind was made up, it was all systems go!

I’m also hoping this will help with the weaning process! I’ve put a few things in place to help mum and dad with all four kids for the two days and night, and I know they will do an amazing job!! (Thanks guys!!!)

I don’t have many firm plans, but I also don’t have a lot of time there, so I’m just going to wing it. So excited!!

Remember the time

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There have been many stages to my grief this year. First there was shock, followed by a long period of numbness, overlapped by sadness, with some frustration, pity and bewilderment thrown in. If I’m honest, I’ve allowed myself a lot of sadness for my kids, and not a lot for myself. It’s been too hard.

There has been a lot of anger in my heart lately. A lot. It has definitely taken over the sadness; perhaps as a coping strategy. Self preservation of you will.

But tonight I allowed myself to remember some things about Frith, that I only I ever got to experience. I allowed myself to remember times when he was running late for work, all dressed up in his vest and tie and boots, me in my daggy pjs and dressing gown, hair all over the place. He would say goodbye to me, and I’d give him the biggest, longest, lingering kiss. It would stop  him in his tracks; he would be in a trance (yes, I was that good) and say “hmmmm can I stay here with you all day?”

I allowed myself to remember the quiet moments with the kids, when he didn’t know I was listening; his soft words, his cuddles, the endless number of stories he would read, or the countless times he would read Fox in Sox. He knew it by heart.

It was his birthday on Saturday. He would have turned 37. We had a family day filled with potjie, Lego, music, wine, a fire pit, movies, pjs, a skateboard, lemonade, lollies, Savanna Cider, and cheesecake. In case you don’t know, Frith hated cheesecake. But we all love it, and we all have our own memories of trying to make him like cheesecake over the years 🙂

Here was our day. Lego before…

Ice cold Savannas
Cousin cuddles around the fire
The skateboard
Brotherly love
The Lego, finished, hours later
Amazing beef cheek potjie!! Served with polenta. Thanks Ma!
The cheesecake (there was also home-made sticky date pudding and orange polenta cake that were, quite frankly, outstanding!!)
I know I’m allowed to be angry, and sad, and everything in between. But I also know it’s nice to remember some good times for myself, and not just remind the kids of all the wonderful things he used to do for them, and with them. He did a lot for me. We did a lot together. He loved me. And I need to remind myself of that every day, to keep his memory alive. And perhaps to help soften the anger that is sitting in my heart.

Fickle Feckers

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Kids are tricky little creatures, aren’t they? Just when you think you’ve got them figured out, when you have a nice little routine happening, when you start to relax a bit, BOOM! Something happens that throws all that hard work straight out the window.

They don’t need to go to bed as early as their siblings anymore. Which is complicated when they all share a room and have an unrealistic idea of what “fair” is.

They get sick and take weeks to get over the night-time coughing.

They decide that bedtime is when they desperately need your undivided attention.

They suddenly develop a fear of the dark and need to come into your bed with you in the middle of the night. When there’s already two other kids in the bed with you.

They are ready to be weaned (read: I am ready to wean them) and need to be patted to sleep for 45 minutes, several times during the night.

See? Fickle I tell you.

It’s hard enough to roll with this punches under normal circumstances, but when you’ve already been punched in the guts and kicked in the shins, patience runs pretty fecking thin. Frith was always very patient with the kids, and would step in when he could see I was getting close to the end of my tether. And I would do the same for him, when he’d had a long day at work and was not up to the bedtime shenanigans.

Thank God (I seriously thank God) my parents are not only patient with the kids beyond belief, but they are eternally forgiving and supportive of me and my current short temper. I know that some days I crave a big yard and a house to call my own, but for the time being, this is exactly where the kids and I need to be.

Thanks Mum and Dad. Seriously.

25 years of The Whitlams

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When I was 20 years old, my big brother allowed me to accompany him to a Whitlams gig at The Arena in Brisbane. He was a HUGE fan, and I was just getting into their music. He gave me some rules to follow (bottom line: be cool and don’t embarrass him) and I had a fantastic time. I saw them a few more times over the next few years, but not since.

About two months ago, I had a hankering. I decided that I wanted to go to a Whitlams gig. I didn’t even know if they were touring, but after a quick Google search, I found out they were on their 25 year Anniversary tour. What luck!! As the Brisbane gig had already sold out, I looked further afield. I even considered going to Melbourne, Cairns, Townsville and Albury, and making a bit of a trip of it. But since I hadn’t weaned Julius as yet (still haven’t) I didn’t want to go too far. So I booked two tickets to the Gold Coast gig at Currumbin RSL.

My friend Nathan, visiting home from the UK for a bit, was keen to come along, so we grabbed a yummy RSL dinner and joined the cue to get in around 7pm. When the supporting acts started (Deborah Conway and Alex Lloyd – both brilliant) it occurred to me that the Whitlams might not actually come on stage until 10pm!! And I was already yawning!

Anyway, we were one of the first ones in, so we positioned ourselves right at the front, near the keyboard. Thankfully they came on around 9:30pm and I did perk right up immediately!

I was rather excited when Tim and the boys came out.

The energy they still have on stage, even after 25 years is so fantastic.

Yes I was this close!!!

They played all of my favourite songs (there aren’t many that aren’t my favourite!) and it was so much fun to sing along.

Even though I didn’t get home until 1am and couldn’t sleep for a while because of the  adrenaline and the ringing in my ears, it was totally worth it!