I’m not doing great.

Last night I felt so sick I was in bed by 8:15pm and asleep by 9pm. I was exhausted and completely over everything. This morning the kids were actually amazing. They were helpful and kind to each other, but I was still utterly spent. We walked and scootered to school, and I dropped the boys off at kindy. As we got to school, Chance realised he had left his show and tell at home. I was irate. I had reminded him about it before we left, and yet he’d still forgotten it. I could feel the tears coming. After huffing and puffing about it being his responsibility, I told him angrily that I would go home and get it for him. Tears were escaping my eyes, but I hid behind my floppy hat and sunnies.

I prayed I wouldn’t run into any of my lovely school mum friends. (Sorry ladies 🙁 )

I went home, grabbed the bag and drove it up to school. When I dropped it off, I was kind and loving, as I would like the kids to be with me and each other. I told Chance I love him and that I would see him in a couple of days.

So I’m not doing great.

But it feels good to say so.

I’m working closely with my psychologist and my GP. I’m tired of feeling this way; this lack of hope and joy is kind of a buzz-kill. And as I’ve mentioned, it’s easy for me to hide, as I’m good when I’m with people. But not so good when I’m just with my kids. I get tired and frustrated and irritated and I wonder if I’m always going to feel this way; I wonder why I feel this way and what I can possibly do to turn things around.

It actually pisses me off greatly, being pissed off (seemingly) all the time.

Thank you to everyone I’ve been leaning on more so than usual.

I listened to the Armchair Expert episode with Brene Brown on the drive down to the Gold Coast today. Side note: I’m in love with Dax Shepard. Oh my heart! And my head! One of the heart and mind-blowing moments I had was about how to be a fully functioning member of a society, it’s not about being completely independent, it’s about being someone on whom others can depend.

I used to be that person. For better or worse, that used to be a huge part of my identity; of what defined me. I was dependable; I was available to help out; I was always looking for ways to be of service to others, and it filled my tank; it filled my heart; it make me feel useful and valued and loved.

That is a huge part of me that I feel like I’ve lost in the last two years.

I also lost the identity of being a wife.

To say that I’m having an identity crisis is putting it lightly. Yes I’m a mum. I feel like that is my only remaining identity. And that is really hard. I love being a mum. LOVE it. But I can’t just be a mum. I need to regain some sense of myself.

But I’ve also changed so much since Frith died. It’s not about feeling like my old self again; I have come to realise that will never happen. But if I can have snippets of my old self; moments; flashes of joy; that will be enough to sustain me while I get to know Renae 2.0.

Of course I will bring my history with me; probably even most of my baggage, but I’m hoping to offload bits of it here and there as I continue along.

Oh boy. What an unload. The people-pleaser in my wants to reassure you that I’m fine. I guess I’m not fine but I’m okay. And I’m going to get better. (I have to keep telling myself this.) And if I offer to do something for you, please let me! It will help me as much as I hope it will help you.

I’m off to a Hen’s night, then a wedding on Sunday. Big time tank-filling coming up. Much love xxxxx