I’ve been sitting here in my cafe for almost an hour, and not much to show for it. I came here to write my blog post to celebrate 10 years of blogging, which will fall this Sunday. But I just can’t seem to find the words. I was going to do 10 days of sharing my favourite posts over the last decade, but I remember as a teenager, watching those flashback episodes of Seinfeld and Friends and I would always feel ripped-off.

I will tell you that my favourite blog post I’ve ever written was the 1000 words post, celebrating my 1000th blog post. It was in February 2016. Frith and I were in Melbourne for a week without the kids – we only had three then, and Darby was just over one year old. I read that post again just now and I’ve been floored by it. It is filled with such hope for our future; it tells me not to worry, and to trust Frith; it tells me I probably won’t have any more babies; it tells me that life for us together is just beginning.

If I’m to believe in signs, this is the third time I’ve been in my cafe where one of “our songs” has come on. The first time was this one, yesterday was this one, and today, Sam Smith is singing Latch. Every song, every reminder, every promise left hanging is such a kick in my guts at the moment.

The first of January was the worst day of my life, but for the first few months I was functioning fine; I had to for the kids. I had no choice, and I didn’t allow myself to fall apart. I’m starting to wonder if I have a choice in keeping it together anymore. Cracks are forming, my temper is shortening, patience is wavering, frustration is growing. I’m starting to say “it’s not fair” and “I can’t believe this is my life now” among other words.

I think one of the things I struggle with the most is being okay with people helping me. Frith and I were always the ones offering help to others, and accepting help was always hard for me. I don’t know why. It’s so crazy. I just feel enormous guilt over how much my parents do for me now (I haven’t done a load of washing in 6 months). Maybe I just have to keep in mind that this is a temporary situation; one day I will get back on my feet and be a bit more independent; I must remember that this is what families do for each other. I’ve never lived near family since having kids, so I don’t really know how it works.

Gosh what a dreary post on a dreary day. I might need to perk the hell up before school holidays start, otherwise it will be a long two weeks. Maybe another coffee will help….. 🙂